I forgot what it was like
Sometimes I regret the decision I made a few months ago because I’ve rarely been as happy as I was since – so let me just recall that happiness for a second, even if it is but a memory at least now I can book it. The feeling I had was something like being held tightly in a warm blanket on a cold windy day with nothing outside but the sound of the wind and darkness that filled the skies. I worried, but at the same time I didn’t have to worry. I struggled, but it felt okay to struggle. I was happy, even though I didn’t do anything to deserve to be happy. Then I ended it. Why did I end it? Because I think the happiness was just an illusion? Did I think that I could find a greater happiness? Was I afraid that the happiness would turn to something more sour and taint the goods feelings I’ve felt for months.. years? Well I did. and it was gone.
Then somehow on one random day in the week, last wednesday I randomly get a message from someone I haven’t talked to in years, commenting on some post that had nothing to do with me, it was just a mistake. But that mistake turned into a conversation, it was playful, it was joking, it was fun. I stayed up late and lost sleep and didn’t care. For just a bit, I felt that happiness again. and like a drug I was desperate for it, and didn’t want it to end, but it did. When it ended, did I want to go back? Yes. But did I? No.. well not yet at least. Because I was happy again, I just wanted to be thankful that it happened. For some reason I feel like I’m falling apart. For some strange reason, the more I do, the less I feel like I do.. if that makes sense. Maybe the things I’m doing aren’t so important to me.. but they are. I’m desperate for them, everything I’m a part of, that makes me who I am. I’m afraid to lose who I am, the parts of me that define me.
I still miss it, maybe I will always miss it and that’s a part of life. That probably means what I had really mattered to me. I guess the question is.. should I go back? Should I go back and chase the happiness I once had, or should I chase a new happiness bc it’s impossible to have the same happiness twice. Whatever that means, I’ll keep looking forward and let the past.. stay in the past.